Keep Your Spirits High

“When the world outside has blown a hole right through your pride
Keep it going, don’t say die, keep your spirits high”
Lyrics Patrick McMahon

The hole is crevasse sized! and I’m struggling to keep my spirits high right now.

Normally when I post about the setbacks I wait until I’ve come out the other side and show the whole journey. Today I’ve decided to share with you how it feels right here “at the bottom of the cellar” so to speak. Right now I have no idea what the other side will look like or when it will be.

When I speak to groups I always say:

“I don’t define myself by my climbing. If somebody said ‘Trotty, mate, it’s all over, don’t get me wrong  I’d be disappointed, there’d be a few tears, maybe a few choice words, but then I’d look back at what I’ve achieved”

Well I’m either a hypocrite or more likely its just way too early in the process. I definitely underestimated the number (litres) of tears and there were more that a few choice words, I actually got quite angry briefly. Right now I’m feeling gutted, shattered.

I feel that I’ve let so many people down:
The people who have supported me, my family, friends, Team Trotty, SACA, CFS, Torch.
And more devastatingly the people I was trying to support, Plan, the kids, Dementia DownUnder
and even more humiliatingly the thought of the people who will gleefully have a sense of satisfaction in my failure “See I knew she couldn’t do it, Who did she think she was?”

I know we’re not supposed to care what other people think, but you know what? Right now it sucks.

In my heart I know the poem “Risk” by Anon is right:

“Risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing”

I had to rebuild my life at 30, I just have to do it again at 50. Difference is, this time, I know I can do it…….But right now that doesn’t make it any less scary or empty………I will get back up and pull myself out of this hole….Oh right I did that bit already :)

I have to find some humour in this, so who can come up with the best spud joke?

xx the Couch Potato

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